I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
i wish i could marry a nap
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp