Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
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Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
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Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
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“You’re making a big moose steak.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
waiting for halloween be like: