12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
You Might Also Like
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.