Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Realize this:
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Animal poetry
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.