hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE