I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
seems like a niche market
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
titanic
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!