My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
fr
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.