I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Bond. Trauma bond.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
That time Alicia messaged me
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’