*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
mom had nothing to worry about
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.