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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
it be like that
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂