It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
(Jupiter –
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?