It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.