Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
📽️movie date🎞️
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.