Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.