RT if you know someone like this!!!
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*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.