Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread