Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.