Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Whoa 😂
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I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.