I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The honesty is refreshing
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.