I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?