how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Miscakes
I’m not proud
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
the three branches of government
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
no
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.