100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?