If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success