Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Happy Thanksgiving
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.