I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
You Might Also Like
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand