Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Tastes like chicken.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.