I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
that wasn’t the question
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Phones down.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying