I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Self-cleaning conscience