[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score