My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”