People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You Might Also Like
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.