The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.