Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
welp
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.