Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Personal question. #JustSaying
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then