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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
We’ve all been there…
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.