I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.