Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active