the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Coffee is ready.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.