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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.