Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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Now, where’s the sport in that?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances