They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time