ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness