Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My inexpensive home security system…
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn