Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You Might Also Like
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?