That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.