Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too