HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.