@peteholmes

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

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@reallifemommy3

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@bylinetd

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

@karanbirtinna

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

@maxverygoodboy

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

@itsallbollocks

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken