just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…