Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken