Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.