Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation