Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
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Me: Same.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.