ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
You Might Also Like
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this